I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: 鈥kay.
Me: Ahhhh鈥o鈥oo much! That鈥檚 too much!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot鈥 don鈥檛 even work there.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let鈥檚 ask her doctor.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
PRIEST: 1st the groom鈥檚 vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I鈥檓 only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That鈥檚 not really-
HER: That鈥檚 what I wrote too.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Best goalkeeper.. 馃槄
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I鈥檓 donating some of your books…They鈥檙e just taking up space.
Me: You don鈥檛 get rid of books…besides half of those aren鈥檛 even colored yet.
Her:
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
When people say they鈥檙e speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
if you haven鈥檛 yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone鈥檚 entire life. it misses you 鈾ワ笍鈾ワ笍馃馃徏馃馃徏 always remember this
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.