vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
You Might Also Like
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.