No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
You Might Also Like
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this