Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
j o i m p
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.