1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
i can’t wait that long
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?