He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”