Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …