I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
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You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?