50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
This forever.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Have kids, they said
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before