A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
no one ever comes back
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.