Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
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Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER