At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
figuring out my emotional availability:
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
New favorite tiktok
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.