do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
man i love columbo