I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
You Might Also Like
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.