running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
broke down and did it
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please