-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.