ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.