You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)