Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Um … Hot Wings please
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”