it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet