My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”