The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
This did not end as expected.