Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic