Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
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[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary