You look like you would fail a DNA test
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Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”