People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Writing, She Murdered.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful