Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
You Might Also Like
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
A little too much information.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”