14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.