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I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired