Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me