Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Check your privilege
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
You can’t rush stupid.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.