me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
President The Rock Obama
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.