The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
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“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
choose your gary
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.