♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!