9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods