Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Every photo I’m tagged in
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in