accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
You Might Also Like
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?