[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair