*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
#FunnyLife Insects
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what