’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Not today.. 😂
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Best mom ever 😂
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread