ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
me as a parent
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice