My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
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[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?