[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous