#catsoftwitter
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Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Always the camel, never the toe.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat