ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
what does he know…
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
one last job
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.