Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.