wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
There is no try. There is only give up.
my dad has had enough
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.