If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.