“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
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As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
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