ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?